Monday, January 27, 2014

criminal behavior

Hard to know where to start or how to tell it. Just kidding, no it's not. I sat on this article for a couple months because... I don't know why. To protect his privacy? To protect my own privacy? To prove something to myself?

I have a rule about my Internet identity: Don't put anything out there that you wouldn't tell Matt Lauer.

wait. not THIS matt lauer

THIS matt lauer

This isn't about outing my ex's bad behavior (I'll only share enough to provide context), or eliciting sympathy (because that doesn't really move us forward in life, does it?). The only laundry I'll air is my own.

This is about a pivotal period in my life, including the moments leading up to it. The things I learned and felt. This is my story to tell.

In November, I learned that my live-in boyfriend of nearly two years had been cheating on me for the duration of our relationship with a married woman.

In an effort to get to know the one person he called a friend, I met her, had been out for cocktails and karaoke, dog-walking and giggles with this woman.

He had one friend, and that friend was a woman whose marriage was, by her own account, troubled. Even my red flags had red flags.

storm's a-comin'

I don't know what compelled me to check his phone that morning. I snooped. It's what people do sometimes. Found what I feared. He fessed up to a little bit, so I assume it was a lot worse than he'd ever admit.

mmm hm. suuuuure. yeahnope.


And in the end, it doesn't matter how bad it was. I would never again believe anything he said. I would never again trust him with anything in my universe.

It's not that he had a relationship with two women at once, and that one of them was me. The unforgivable act was that he broke our agreement.

Because I project-manage, um, everything, over the course of the two years he and I had several conversations specifically defining the terms of our relationship. The amount and quality of our together-time. Our future. How we defined fidelity.

Relationship crimes fall into three categories: misdemeanors, felonies, and capital offenses. Every couple can apply their own definitions to what constitutes criminal offenses. For some, infidelity is less of an offense than, say, overspending.

Here's how I defined ours: Misdemeanors might take a couple hours or days to get over, but eventually it goes away altogether. The record is purged.

these are the turnstile-jumper-level offenses. nbd

Felonies. Oh boy. Weeks or more. But the problem never goes away. Not altogether. It'll never be funny to recount to your friends at a cocktail party about that time that your partner, say, lost $10,000 in a bad poker game.

Capital offenses. The relationship is over. Immediately.


just stick your ability to trust riiiiight in there. this won't take but a second

Perhaps even the definition of crimes evolves over time. When a couple is dating, sending someone to voicemail might be a misdemeanor. Once they've been married and have a couple kids, however, a misdemeanor probably looks a lot different. Like forgetting your 13th wedding anniversary. Or something.

His crime was clearly, unquestionably a capital offense. In that respect, breaking up with him was a very simple decision. Black and white.

There's the continent of our agreement and here's him:



Hey, look. It's not like I'm Polly Perfect. I made my fair share of mistakes. Even committed misdemeanor offenses. But here's the difference. Mine were committed in the course of trying to be the best person and best partner I could possibly be, working as hard as I could to uphold my end of our bargain. Rarely through acts of selfishness, and never through unkindness.

So what's the lesson here?
  1. Spend time contemplating what constitutes various levels of criminal offenses. Be specific.
  2. Evolve. Our priorities shift and grow as our lives change. I used to prioritize manicures pretty high up on the budget. Now I invest in really good food for my dogs. But make it a conscious choice to evolve, and do so prior to the catastrophe. It's evaluating your possessions and reexamining your homeowners' insurance policy BEFORE the house is on fire. If the place is already ablaze, you will grab at anything to save something and you might make the altogether wrong decision, choosing to save a bag full of socks instead of a cherished photo album.
  3. Be rigid. Make decisions with your heart AND your head. When the decision is made, let both your heart and head act accordingly, and uncompromisingly. Which isn't to say "don't compromise" - maybe that's exactly what's been decided in your heart and head. The point is to follow through. You made the decision while clear-headed and rational, so even if those doe-eyes are staring back at you telling you how sorry they are, the act has been committed so respond accordingly.
And, finally and perhaps most importantly, move forward. In my dating history, the common denominator isn't the failed relationships behind me, but the fact that because of all these trials-and-errors I am both resilient and eager to love. 

Also, the universe does my dirty work. More on that in an upcoming article.

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