gizmodosayswhat?

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... and so is this one:

my brother

why own a TV?

instead go bigger, better :

ceiling projector

thanks for the image assist, OneNote

things we do which seem like homework

Lately I noticed there are a few things we do as adults which, if you rewound the clock to about age 14, basically seem like a chore or homework. But today we do them voluntarily, and for little or no reward!

For instance.

• In 3rd grade, we called it Spelling Lessons. Today, it's Words with Friends. 

99 points! HELL YEAH! Wait, that's a word?

• In high school, we called it Expository Writing assignments. Today many of us choose to write a lot (like, you know, in a blog or three). 

• We love a good crossword puzzle, especially the easy one in the Monday edition of USA Today. Twenty years ago, this was a homeroom worksheet given us by a teacher who needed the period off.

• Even I groaned at English class reading assignments, and I was both an ass-kisser and a book worm. Today, like many of my friends and all of my family, I have more books than can fit on several large shelves and in under-bed boxes. 

Exhibit A

• Vacuuming today is less of a chore, though in my defense Dysons weren't around when I was a kid. 

• Cook things from scratch appeals to many of us, judging by all the Facebook uploads of awesome home-made dinners. When we were little, we called this KP (kitchen patrol) and it was often seen as a burden which kept us from our play time.

Huh.

jump jump tow

This is the real short version of what's a much longer story. In fact, it got so long that even I got bored while writing it, so to spare you that snoozefest I summarized into 15 (!!!) short items. 


At 9:00a on Tuesday, Truck failed to start.


I had a guy jump-start Truck. 


At 10:00, Truck acted weird and then failed to start again. 


I had another guy attempt to jump-start Truck again, but nothing happened so around 11:00 the dealership sent out a tow truck.

Cue Edgar Winters' song "Free Ride"

He towed Truck and me to the dealership where Truck happily drove right off the tow truck like nothing at all was wrong. WTF? Sometimes he can be a little bit of a brat. 


Service Manager Bob says they need the afternoon to perform diagnostic tests on Truck.


Five hours later, Bob requested to keep Truck overnight to see what happens in the morning, saying it’ll be ready by the end of the day tomorrow, so I sign a $2800 estimate for the following: continued diagnostic work, 75,000-mile maintenance, several other mechanical issues the crew identified in the course of their investigations, and replacement windshield wipers and a rear license plate light-bulb.


At 3:00p on Wednesday, I call Bob to check on Truck’s progress; Bob informs me that the windshield wipers and light bulbs have been replaced, and no other work has taken place. I laid into him sufficiently to draw out my cube neighbors.


Bob promises to complete the work so I can pick up my vehicle the next day; I insist on a new estimate which I pick up on my way home.


On Thursday I speak with Bob several times to ensure the right work will be done on schedule; by the afternoon, he informs me they will need another day with Truck so I drive the loaner home.


On Friday I speak with Bob several times because I’m a glutton for punishment and by the afternoon he finally admits they will not have the work complete and since the shop is closed weekends I won’t see Truck again till Monday.


On Monday I speak with Bob several times and he finally arranges to drop off Truck at my workplace and pick up the loaner.

Whew. I'm exhausted. And if my customer satisfaction survey holds any water, Bob is screwed. 

what the bleep

I'm not here to complain about Uverse, my cable TV provider. It's basically great. But there's something about it I'd change if I could. Let's start with a list of assumptions about our household.

1. My roommate and I are both over the age of 18 -- way, way over that age
2. We basically never have a minor in our house watching TV
3. Uverse and the nice people at AT&T probably know that based on our account(s) with them (he and I both pay for other AT&T services) 
4. With the exception of made-for-kids programming, TV show producers know their audience consists of a mix of people over and under the age of 18

All of that being said, then, WHY DO THEY BLEEP OUT ALL THE SWEAR WORDS FROM MY SHOWS?!?


When I kick back and watch Deadliest Catch and see the Cornelia Marie violently listing 14 degrees to the starboard causing Captain Derrick to smash his head on a doorframe and shout some obscenities...

that's some big water, Jack

...I don't want to hear this:

MOTHER BLEEPER! 

FOR BLEEP'S SAKE! 

THAT BLEEPING HURT!

Don't get me wrong. I don't need profanity coming at me day and night. I generally believe it should be reserved for the struck-my-thumb-with-a-hammer moments. And when those moments happen on TV, I want to hear every last glorious syllable of those curse words.


TV could be awesome, if it only knew I'm over 18.

lower-case of the mondays

I thinik we can all aghree that mobndays are for re-learning hou to type.

Friday

Monday

little kid sick

I wrote this a couple weeks ago while home sick with strep throat, where I got bored after about two hours. So here you go. A reflection on how I get sick like a little kid.

_____________________________________________________________________

the late '80s

I recall as a kid of about 8 or 9 I occasionally suffered from croup, which is a horrible barking cough and airway constriction typically afflicting infants 6 months of age and children around 5-6 years of age. It's awful. I have vivid memories of waking up unable to breathe and my mom rushing me to the bathroom, slamming the door, and blasting the shower on hot-hot-hot till the small room filled with steam to provide me with some relief.

But I'm not here to dwell on that.

I've had my 30th birthday a couple of times now. And I still get sick like a little kid.

August 1997

In the weeks leading up to my departure for college, I came down with a sore throat which led to tonsillitis which led to an anaphylactic reaction to penicillin which led to a week-long stay at Childrens Hospital of Wisconsin. (Which also led to two subsequent hospitalizations -- one for the tonsillectomy and one for the hemorrhages which followed.)

I was 17 years and 50 weeks old -- by far the oldest kid in the hospital -- so I was also the only patient awake and watching TV at 11:00p on August 31 when breaking news interrupted Saturday Night Live to announce the passing of Princess Diana. The nurses crowded into my room to watch the continuous updates until thankfully I fell asleep. (That was a long night for us, since my IV had infiltrated my arm muscle tissue causing a great deal of pain and swelling. Scary.)

November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Day. My family had a great time celebrating the holiday together. When all the dishes were cleared and the living room tidied up, I remember getting ready to go to bed and having a scratchy throat. My dad gave me some NyQuil and everyone called it a night. The next morning, I prepared to return home and basically felt alright.

By the evening of Saturday, November 24, however, things had deteriorated. I had a 104-degree fever (!!!!!) and the most excruciating cough imaginable. The pain radiated.

Every time I coughed, I pressed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets TO KEEP MY EYES FROM POPPING OUT.

I love Marty Feldman, and do not want to look like him.

Perhaps, in hindsight, that should have been a cue that I was a little delirious.

All my friends were out of town, home with their families. I texted several and nobody was available to take me to the hospital.

In a moment of obvious wisdom, I told one friend, "That's cool. I'm just going to walk [my dog] Sydney [outside... in Wisconsin... in November...]. If -- when I get back inside -- I still have a fever, then I'll go to the hospital."

Perhaps it goes without saying, but I returned from that walk (during which I was really, really inappropriately dressed in a tank top and shorts) and still had a raging fever, so I grabbed my car keys and headed straight to the Meriter ER.

Where I promptly started disrobing.

I was SO HOT. Sweating through my pants and long-sleeved shirt.

I had what you'd call a "sweaty face".

The registrar leaned across the desk and calmly said, "Whoa whoa whoa, honey. Why don't you sit right here for a minute." She took a little information from me, escorted me to an ER bay, and I was basically treated properly.

The diagnosis: mycoplasma pneumonia. You know, the kind that kids get.

Honestly. I get it. I'm not what you'd call mature in some ways, but even the way I get sick is immature.

this one's for you, Russia!

Well, well, well. Lookee here. Blogspot offers a little bit of analytical reporting for kids like me to learn about their audience. One of the reports lets me drill down to see where my readers are from.

Either I accidentally know 155 Russians or I know one really loyal Russian reader. So this one is for you guy/girl/guys/girls.

Я тебя люблю. (I love you.)

Вы завершаете меня. (You complete me.)

Как погода? (How's the weather?)

Вы страшный? (Are you creepy?) 

Вы думаете Дженнифер Aniston супоросо? (Do you think Jennifer Aniston is pregnant?)

Я слышу что погода в Ст Петерсбург славна этот месяц. (I hear St Petersburg is nice this time of year.)

wear white

Did you know that sometimes I like to wear white...

I like this picture because it makes my forearm look MASSIVE 

... just to tempt fate.

Between all the crap I carry (laptop bags, groceries, and a venti dark roast with room) and having a dirty vehicle and basically just being me... it's a wonder I can get away with wearing white.

Sometimes I do it just to prove it can be done. Like that time I left my iPhone at home ALL DAY. (Whoa.)

It makes me feel alive.

dear Beep love Bhan

You may know I have a beautiful niece. Her name is Helen and she goes by Beep. In my opinion, she is the greatest kid alive. Here's what she looks like when she wakes up.

this picture slays me every time

In keeping with my New Years resolution #2, I'm writing more cards and letters. This one's for Beep.

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Beep,

Last week, two of my friends and I went to the Milwaukee Public Museum to see a very special exhibit which focused on Cleopatra. We learned a lot -- especially about how she was a strong-minded, educated, and loving ruler. We also loved seeing artifacts (ask your mom about that word) recovered from the sea floor near Egypt. These items tell us a lot about how Egyptians lived.


Anyhow, you would have loved it. Maybe we can go to the museum together sometime. As a token of my visit, here are some stickers to play with. Feel free to slap one on your mom's butt.


xoxo
bhan