Dear Dad, I Love You

When I was a baby and a toddler, we danced, with me held close in your arms or standing on your feet, to damn near anything Fleetwood Mac or Buddy Holly produced. Thirty years later I can't imagine a more heartwarming image than you doing the same with my sister's beautiful daughter.

You let me learn how to shift the gears on the family's blue four-door Ford Escort, even on La Cresta with all its new stop signs. "Faith" by George Michael was on the tape deck and I thought the intro organ music was coming from the church down the street.

At Halloween, you were such a convincingly scary Igor that either Jeff Quilling or Michelle Dunn kicked you in the balls and you didn't break character. I mean, you already had a limp.

In the '80s, you bought the Smurf Suit, a Crayola-blue, two-piece rain coat and pants get-up, and kept it in the car trunk, ready to shamelessly wear in inclement weather on the sidelines of my soccer games. Until I was 25.

You drove my boyfriend and me to the seventh grade dance while "I Heard it through the Grapevine" played on the radio. Mike and I held hands in the back seat.

I got a little big for my britches and drove my friend's brand new Jeep all by myself... when I was 14... and I got pulled over. I think you laughed out loud, then made me pay for the ticket by myself. Which I chose to do with coins presented in a jar to the Ozaukee County judge.

In 1995 you left Owen and me home alone during Christmas vacation. On day 1, he and I took the emergency cash from the envelope in the kitchen cabinet and rented skis for the week and bought hill passes for everything within reasonable driving distance. You hollered, but God that was a great week.

For years and years, you kept telling me a dog is just a pet, not a member of the family. And then one morning when I was 15 I woke up to you making S-shaped pancakes... for Sydney. While cooing at him. What a good dog. What a good dad.

When it came time to spread Syd's ashes, you helped me do so with my loved ones close by in a quiet, dignified way that afforded me an opportunity to put that perfect relationship to rest.

Just before leaving for college, I caught a nasty bug that turned into a weeks-long hospitalization and you fought The Man with me to help me stay in school, where I became a tutor and graduated with honors.

You flew to Annapolis for a visit and helped me raise money, in a bar, for my classroom's hermit crabs. Well, to buy a hamster wheel for one of them. I recall you climbed on a stool. We netted about $50.

When I said Grandma looked like you in drag, Katie got offended, but you laughed. Grandma was undoubtedly a beautiful woman... with a sense of humor.

You were such a good dad to my friends that you got your own invitation to my best friend's wedding. I can't imagine a more handsome date.

You flew across the country, wore your sharpest suit to court, and double-dog dared that jackass to show up and confront me. DOUBLE-DOG DARED. And of course he didn't. Jackass.

In my second year of teaching, I got a little post-standardized-testing lazy and assigned my students a project of making your birthday cards. In return, my students received fancy chocolates and a hand-made photo album.

I was 14 when I ran away from one home. When the guardian ad litem asked me, and I quote, "Whose heart do you want to break, your mom's or your dad's?", I said I just wanted to stay home, and that meant being with you. I heard you cried that day.



I love you
very very very
very very very
very very very
much

Museumers and Our Museuming

I grew up in a home filled with one-of-a-kind pieces of art created by my parents, who at every opportunity encouraged my siblings and me to express ourselves artistically.

From a young age, my brother Owen leaned towards theater, I think because it involved so many tools. He has become an extremely well-liked college professor and specialist in the field of technical theater direction. Owen is freaking brilliant because and he makes bacon baskets.

Aside from being a valued employee and devoted mother and wife, in her spare time my sister Katie is a published author, creative blogger about life on Cabbage Ranch, and painter. (Jesus, she must be exhausted.)

All three of us have in our own unique way pursued the arts, either as a profession or a hobby (or in the case of these insanely money-making blogging ventures, a little of both...).

It stands to follow, then, that I take every opportunity to visit art museums with friends and family and and have learned there are two types of art appreciationists*: Fast Museumers and Slow Museumers.

Fast Museumers

A Fast Museumer stands in front of each piece for about one second and possibly doesn't even stop moving past it. Cycle through the exhibit and move onto the next and hopefully end up in the cafe before the lunch crowd.

Perhaps we could generalize about Fast Museumers and say they don't actually want to linger, or have less of an appreciation for art; unfortunately I have been forced to -- momentarily -- Fast Museum due to the vast crowds visiting an exhibit.

In 2009, my dad and Joyce joined me in Amsterdam...

Dad picks his teeth the same way in both Europe and Illinois

...and naturally we visited the Van Gogh museum. Swarms of people stood in line, which was amusing to us since Joyce's knee injury and accompanying cane allowed us to go straight in. Once in the museum, we briskly took the laps determined by the crowd's orderly movement through each room. In and out in less than an hour. I guess it worked out because although some of Van Gogh's art is quite good...

The extremely lovely "Almond Blossoms"

... some of it sucks.

My dad assured me it's OK to not like famous art.

Slow Museumers

On the other hand, you might be a Slow Museumer if you do any of the following in art exhibits:

1. Read every word on every plaque beside every piece to learn about the medium, artist, year it was created, etc.
2. Consider the piece from different distances by pressing your nose right up to the piece (figuratively), then stepping back, and possibly even moving side to side in order to get a sense for the piece in 3 dimensions. Repeat steps 1-3 for full appreciation.
3. Contemplate the context of the art. What relationship, if any, did the artist have with his or her subject? Did the subject sit still? (And if so, HOW? For crying out loud, I've been trying to sit still for 30+ years.) How much did the artist charge for the piece? Was it really raining and he painted a sunny sky? What did that room smell like?
4. Know how to spot and critique bad art (without being a snob) - just because it's in a museum doesn't mean it's GOOD and you don't have to like them all
5. Never, ever say, "I could have done that" because if you could have, you would have, and even so, you didn't.

In conclusion, I blame credit my parents for the fact that I grew up to be a Slow Museumer. Be still my beating heart should I amble into a room of gigantic pieces -- I mean literally, 10'x15' or bigger -- by the Flemish masters. I LOVE the patina of the oil paints, the gaudy gilt frames, the brooding environs, and especially the pale moon-shaped faces of each subject.

Most appealingly for this genre, the great Flemish artists like Jan van Eyck rarely focused on religion. Instead, they painted the sometimes unattractive nobility of their time. If you could afford them, they would paint you. These guys were working for a living.

"Arnolfini Wedding" by Jan van Eyck

Anytime I stand before these pieces, I like to think about the transaction which led up to the sitting. The scene often plays through in my head (with generic northern European accents) and goes something like this:

Count Arnulf von Warbledon: "I have impregnated m'lady the Dutchess and shalt wish thine self to paint our portrait."
Jan van Eyck: "She's gonna think she looks fat."
Count: "M'lady hast a better attitude than thine. Paint our portrait, peasant!"
Jan: [to self] 'Jesus, settle the hell down.' [aloud] "That'll be $10,500. Cash or charge?"
Count: "I shall pay thee with a year's worth of wool and two chickens."

And... SCENE.

*Yeesh, I make up a lot of words.

Girl Math

Gentlemen, you have a reputation of questionable origin for being better at math (and heavy lifting*) than girls. Well, your day has come. Here's how to do math.

My friend gave me three sweaters with a retail value of $150

+ I bought two pair of shoes for a total of $90

Therefore I saved $60

CHA CHING!

Frankly, I don't know why it's taken us women so long to speak up for ourselves.

My next lesson will involve calculus because those $90 shoes were actually on sale. Just wanted to make a point here.

*Stop over some morning around 6:45a and I'll show you how two little ten-pound weights will DESTROY you. In a good way. 

How to Lose 2 pounds a Week: The Meal Plan

* Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or professional lifestyle coach

**Unless by 'professional' you mean 'gets paid' in which case you might make the argument that I do get paid in beer sometimes and am therefore at least an unprofessional lifestyle coach. 

When I stopped traveling for work a year ago, I started thinking a lot more about efficient ways to prepare healthy meals for myself. What and when is the easiest way to shop for food? How can I reduce the number of times I'm washing dishes?

After trial-and-error, research, 12 consecutive weeks of 2-pound weight-loss, continual harassment by my lovely friend Elizabeth to JUST PUBLISH this article already, and much food shopping and preparation...

here's my meal planning guide to healthy eating

Prep ahead (on the weekends)

• Rinse and dry your vegetables
• Grill, roast, or saute your proteins and refrigerate
• Make 10 servings of brown rice (this takes about an hour, so while that's going, do the vacuuming or paint your nails or something)
• Make 5 servings of oatmeal and store in individual microwave-safe bowls to reheat in the morning
• Slice your cucumbers. Put half of a cucumber in each of five Ziploc snack-sized bags with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese. Put the other half of your sliced cucumbers in a single baggie for salad assembly
• Count out five one-serving portions of peanuts or almonds and store in Ziploc snack-sized bags
• Hard boil a half-dozen eggs and refrigerate

Prep each morning

1. Drink 8 ounces of soy milk, especially if you've had a morning workout
2. Portion out your lettuce into a large Gladware container and top the salad with 1/5 of your pre-cut cucumber and diced protein
3. Assemble your lunchbag to include the salad, a hard-boiled egg, nuts, and one Ziploc of cucumber slices with Laughing Cow cheese
4. Microwave and eat your oatmeal
5. That's it. Easy, right?

See my grocery list article for a complete item-by-item breakdown of what to buy, organized by grocery store department.

____________________________________________________________________________

The Meal Plan

Breakfast

• 1c soy milk
• 1 serving whole (not instant) oatmeal

Mid-morning snack

• Water
• Hard-boiled egg or individually wrapped cheese

Lunch

• Water
• Salad with protein, cucumber, and dressing

Mid-afternoon snack

• Water
• Sliced cucumber with Laughing Cow cheese spread
• Peanuts or almonds

Dinner

• Water
• Grilled, roasted, or sauteed protein with veg and brown rice (optional)

____________________________________________________________________________

For those of you with a sweet tooth whose day wouldn't be complete without dessert, try making your own popsicles out of high-quality fruit juices (I recommend diluting it just a little) or have apple slices with a shmear of peanut putter.

I advocate a lot of water consumption -- not to the point of water intoxication (where your body's salts become so diluted that your muscles and vital organs, including your heart, no longer communicate properly with your brain and which can cause death) -- so keep that Nalgene bottle handy and drink about 8 ounces of room-temperature water 10 or 15 minutes before eating your meal. This will help prevent overeating and aid in digestion.

Tip: Keep your purse in the freezer

While watching Restaurant Impossible researching for my food blog (link: Dinner Over Easy), I learned food should remain at or below 40 degrees. The best way to get close to this is to make sure your entire lunch bag is cold.I accomplish this by keeping my lunch bag in the freezer with the two ice packs. This way, even my mid-afternoon snack stays cold. (Link: Amazon's attractive, purse-looking lunch bags for grown-ups.)

Remember to track your food intake on MyFitnessPal or whichever system you devised and which works for you. I pre-load my meals so at the end of the day I just make minor adjustments. Logging in once, rather than multiple times per day, also saves me a couple minutes.

What healthy food options do you enjoy? 

Can you envision this meal planning routine working 

for you and your family?

How do you cut meal-planning corners 

during a busy week?

My Blogging Avatars

Lately, when I fearlessly post a pic of myself - unflattering as it may be, perhaps wearing goggles in the kitchen ...

 
... or with a cat in my shirt ...

 ... my sister identifies my Saturday Night Live avatar. For the cat-in-the-shirt photo, my sister thought I looked most like the Church Lady as played by Dana Carvey. We really do bear an eerie resemblance.

Most recently, though, after reading the article Two Kinds of Loud Shirts my sister compared my self-portrait ...

... to the all-time creepiest character played by my SNL hero: Baby Hands by Kristen Wiig.

 

She is so beautiful.

Two Kinds of Loud Shirts

There are Loud Shirts and there are Loud Shirts.

The first kind of Loud Shirt features bright colors and/or a bold print, perhaps of tropical flowers or zebra stripes. TheSmokingGun.com provides us with an entire catalog of mug shots featuring people wearing this variety of Loud Shirt.

For what I hope are obvious reasons, these are two of my favorites.

"I said GOOD GOD I love gettin' arrested! 
Also, that was NOT my fault, man. 

Can I get a bowl of tomato soup up in this mutha? Amen."

"I just popped my eyes back in their sockets. Do they look OK? 

Because I think I hear them buzzing. 

GET OFF OF MY SHOULDER YOU RAGING LUNATIC PARROT MONKEY!"

The second kind is constructed of raincoat-like fabric so that every time you move a millimeter it rustles.

This morning, **rustle** unbeknownst to me, I chose **rustle** to wear the **rustle**  latter.

Fingers crossed, my sister picks an SNL character whose face mine resembles here.

And all **rustle** day I've failed to **rustle** sneak up on anyone. **rustle** That made for **rustle** a very boring **rustle** day.

Here's the offending fabric blend to avoid.

Just wanted to warn ya. Even Banana Republic gets it wrong sometimes. And I bought their 'wrong' in two colors.

How to Lose 2 Pounds a Week: The Grocery List

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or professional** lifestyle coach

The humble grocery list is about more than what's on it and what it's on. It's about planning wisely to nourish yourself and your family... efficiently. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are nice, but lists and efficiencies are two of my favorite things.

I organize my grocery list according to the layout of the store where I most often shop: Costco. (You're thinking, 'Bhan, you are a single person. What could you possibly need to buy in bulk?!?' The answer: Herdez salsa casera. Three times a day keeps the doctor away.) This is a picture of my pantry:

Truth is, I've had great luck with the produce section at Costco and find the quality and prices to be significantly better than my local grocery store.

You certainly have noticed that all supermarkets feature the same few departments and often the layouts are similar even between different franchises. Produce near the entrance, deli and bakery along the back wall, and dairy rounds it out along your way to the checkout lanes. Using this to your advantage by aligning your grocery list with these basic sections will perform several important functions.

Maintain one single accurate list

I advocate the use of a smartphone list. It goes everywhere with you. Think about how convenient that is! Stopped at a red light and remembered you're almost out of ________? Just add it to the list! Laying in bed at night, unable to fall asleep, when it occurs to you that you used up the last of the _________? Just add it to the list! Easy, right?

Though a notepad-type app (I recommend NoteMasterLt -- free -- for the iPhone) works very well, in the past I have also simply opened a text message or email to myself to keep a running list. 

Put everything you think you might want or need on the list 

Once you get to the store, make the decision to buy now or later. At least that way the light bulbs you don't imminently need are on the list for the future and you don't have to worry anymore about remembering to get them.

Reduce the number of times you visit the store

Rather than making multiple, time-consuming trips to the store each week, select a day of the week to pick up groceries on your way home from work. With a carefully planned grocery list, you probably won't run out of food for meals between trips.

Tip: Choose one weekday that fits your schedule; this will actually help you make time for other things... like workouts! I go so far as to actually put it on my calendar as a recurring appointment.

For the Lose-2-Pounds-a-Week Club Members

You can basically eat as much of anything on this list as you want. More on meal planning in an upcoming article, but basically here's how it will break down: soy milk and oatmeal for breakfast, a mid-morning protein snack, a salad with protein for lunch, a mid-afternoon protein/veg snack, and kebabs or protein/veg combo for dinner.

Update: I added a couple fruit options based on feedback from friends. (I don't have a sweet tooth so it didn't occur to me to include this.) Because they're so filling and won't cause your blood sugar to spike the way other fruits would, melons, citrus fruit, and stone fruits provide the best bang-for-your-buck. And I know from personal experience that fresh lemon sliced in hot water is a proven appetite suppressant so enjoy some of that mid-afternoon before you head home from work to avoid the pre-dinner binge.

_______________________________________________________

The List

Produce

• Cucumbers x 5
• Cherry or grape tomatoes
• Pre-washed lettuce x 5-8 servings
• Avocados x 5
• Bell peppers x 3-5 (depending on size)
• Onion
• Mushrooms (baby bellas)
• Zucchini x 2-3
• Update: Stone fruits (like peaches), melons, and citrus (as many as you want)
• Update: Lemon (great in hot water in the morning in place of coffee/tea)

Deli/Bakery

• Boneless, skinless chicken breasts x 10 servings

Canned & Dry Goods

• Organic olive oil-based salad dressing*** or salsa
• Canned black beans x 3
• Unsweetened peanuts or raw almonds x 5 servings

Frozen Items

• None for now, unless you choose to buy frozen chicken (which is fine)

Dairy

• Laughing Cow spreadable cheese wedges x 5 servings
• Soy milk x 5 servings
• Dozen eggs
• Single-serving cheese slices

Misc., Household, and Pets

• Reusable water bottle, like a Nalgene
• Snack-sized Ziploc bags for your snacks
• Gladware big bowls for your daily salad

_______________________________________________________

Scale up the list
Happen to not be a single, childless girl who lives alone (that doesn't make me sound awful or anything...)? Multiply each item by the number of adults for whom you're preparing meals.

Shop on the way home from work on Friday afternoons
Because I suffer from lack-of-willpoweritis, this ensures I have plenty of healthy food choices throughout the weekend. For my readers who are parents, you might recognize this as the "apple or orange, not apple or cookie" maneuver that you use on your children and that I use on myself with great success.

Tip: Stocking up on the weekend also affords an opportunity to prep most of the foods needed for the upcoming week. Grill the veg and chicken, wash and dry the vegetables, prepare single-serving portions of peanuts and cucumbers. This makes for a single round of kitchen clean-up and for very quick lunch assembly each morning.

Now that you're armed with a strategy and a list, are you ready to just start? 

What tricks do you use to make 

your grocery shopping experience 

the most efficient use of your time? 

What items recur on your list week-to-week?

If you have children, how does 

their routine impact your food-buying schedule?

**Unless by 'professional' you mean 'gets paid' in which case you might make the argument that I do get paid in beer sometimes and am therefore at least an unprofessional lifestyle coach.

***When reading nutrition labels, also read ingredients. Avoid low-calorie and/or fat-free salad dressings. With all the additives, sugars, and preservatives, they barely qualify as food. You could probably buy Elmer's Glue and get the same effect.

How to Lose 2 Pounds a Week: Just Start

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or professional** lifestyle coach

Emotionally or physically sick people accidentally lose weight. The rest of us have to put in some effort. And we won't lose weight by thinking, talking, or reading about it.

Just start. Like, today. Like, now.

No - seriously. Why not right now? If you have reasons why now doesn't work for you, please email me your list of excuses explanations (bhangoes@gmail.com) so I can help you work through them. I've fallen prey to all of them at one point or another. Self-sabotage is my jam, man!

Popular explanations 

I have personally told myself 

inside my own head

Explanation: I don't know where to start.
Debunked: Keep reading. See how easy this is?

Explanation: I don't have the time.
Debunked: From this moment forward, I promise you don't have to invent the time to invest in a healthier lifestyle. We all have 24 hours a day. Aren't you inspired by the woman who has a toddler and five horses and two dogs and some deer and and a husband with a broken hand and a full-time job and a popular blog and a healthy workout schedule? She has just as many hours in a day as you do, and perhaps more enjoyment.

Enlist your ability to multitask (on a limited basis - not to drive and text). Instead of relaxing on the couch with your favorite TV show, watch it while you're on the elliptical. You'd be surprised what amazing programming is on early in the mornings, like The Nanny and reruns of Spongebob Squarepants. While you're out for a walk, take the dog along...

...read a book you've been meaning to start finish, or listen to music you enjoy, or have some FREAKIN' QUIET TIME FOR A CHANGE. Ahem.

Prepare food only a couple times a week, instead of multiple times a day. This will immediately and dramatically cut down on the time you spend making AND CLEANING UP AFTER meals. More on this later, in my upcoming How to Lose 2 Pounds article on meal planning.

Explanation: I don't have the money.
If you're like me, then you may have been diverting plenty of money toward less healthful, if not outright unhealthy, choices. Dinner out? SURE! $30. Drinks with friends? $25. Subs for lunch? $7. And before long... this:

Surprisingly, lettuce is not more expensive than Doritos and a portion of chicken isn't more expensive than a frozen dinner. I buy many items in bulk and now spend less on my monthly gym membership than I used to spend on take-out (read: unhealthy) food.

If you're not doing so already, make your meals at home. Healthy versions of your favorite restaurant foods are generally much less expensive.

Explanation: I'm not done doing weight-loss research yet.

Debunked: I was stuck trying to decide which workout was best, which 'diet' would work... all the while not actually doing any of them. Duh, Bhan. You don't get lean by reading (unless you're walking while reading). Once you start doing it, instead of trying to learn all about it, you will find out what types of health and wellness articles, blogs, and books interest you. This isn't to say you shouldn't learn what's safe and right for you; but don't let the impulse to research it prevent you from actually starting to do it. 

When you're ready, I strongly recommend Dr Bob Arnot's Revolutionary Weight Control Program. (Link: buy the book on Amazon.) This book helps me understand what to eat and when and why. The only issue I take with this book is the word 'revolutionary' in the title. In truth, Dr. Bob promotes a pretty intuitively healthy lifestyle. Eat whole grains, minimize processed carbs, that kind of thing. Revolutionary it ain't. Reinforcing good behavior it is.

Explanation: Ugh, I'll be hungry all the time.
Debunked: No you won't. Pinky swear. It's good to hate that feeling because it's your body saying you're running on fumes. If your car were running on fumes, you wouldn't try to make it go for another hour or two... or more.

Eat breakfast. Fill the tank with the right foods at the right times (which is frequently) and you will avoid the feeling of hunger. I currently eat more and more often than when I was rapidly gaining weight. So there. Debunked. More on how to avoid hunger in my Meal Planning article.

Explanation: I hate diets and they always fail.
Debunked: Can't debunk this one. They do fail. What I needed was a lifestyle change, something to sustain every single day for the rest of my life. So you're not going on a diet, mmmkay? It's not even about nutrition; it's about wellness.

When presented with a delicious-looking cupcake, don't say "I'm on a diet"; instead, say "no thanks" out loud and, to yourself, think 'That's not part of my wellness plan' and 'Leslie, you are a bitch for putting those on the counter right behind my cube so I have to hear about how delicious they are all day long.'

Explanation: I am (literally or figuratively) addicted to something unhealthy.
Debunked: The old me couldn't comprehend a world without burritos. God help me and my thighs if they came with a side of tortilla chips, rice, and beans. And a pitcher of margarita.

To literally - not figuratively - reset my physiology, I spent three weeks on a very restrictive no-carb diet (link: Mayo Clinic review of the Atkins diet). If you feel like you can't live without something unhealthy, try Atkins or South Beach for just a short period of time to get over the physiological cravings from which you're suffering.

To help you just start, 

Here are five simple steps that worked for me

Step 1
Join a website which offers nutrition and exercise tracking a community forum-like setting. Choose one with an accompanying smartphone app if you have a data plan.

Throughout every day I use MyFitnessPal (my username is bhangoes so friend me!). I also registered with Livestrong (username: bhangoes) and LoseIt to see which one works best for me. The community support at MyFitnessPal compensates for a few pieces of missing functionality, like more granular reporting and more user-friendly GUI. WHOA! SaaS project manage much, Bhan?

Step 2

Effective immediately, as in the next thing you consume, read all nutrition labels. With the exception of fruits and vegetables, if it doesn't have a nutrition label, don't eat it. (Sorry, Leslie, those cupcakes did look delicious....)

Just because I didn't look at the nutrition label on the back of a bag of Doritos doesn't mean they didn't have a detrimental impact on my lifestyle. I ate the whole bag. THE WHOLE BAG. I ate it in one binge session. Similarly, I used to also think if you eat a brownie while standing up, or if you shake off the crumbs, it had no fat or calories. Also not true.

I guess, in general, stop kidding yourself.

Step 3

Share the news with the world! Saying makes it true. Tell everyone, or tell a confidant, but make it be known to someone other than yourself that today you're making a change. Tell him/her/them what you weigh today and what your goal weight is, or tell them you're working on getting fit. Don't be surprised when your loved one(s) rally behind you. And that feels awfully good. You might even inspire your friends to make positive changes, too... and then end up writing a blog about your successes and struggles. But again, tell as few or many people as much or as little as makes you comfortable.

Don't get me wrong: this step isn't about accountability. It's about making this change an indelible part of your thoughts. Just like writing something down helps you remember, saying it aloud will reinforce the new path you're on.

Step 4
Document it. Even if today you don't actually make any different food choices, today start tracking your food. Paper is good. Websites are better. Smartphone Apps are best. Worst case, write it down and transfer your intake later to a website of your choice. Do this at least once a day.

Every morning I pre-load my app with what I know I'll eat for most of my snacks and meals. It's like looking at the hour-by-hour forecast so you have a general idea of what your day will look and feel like.

Step 5
On your next trip to the grocery store, shop only the perimeter. Nothing actually edible can be found down the aisles. Keep a running grocery list on your phone rather than on paper, if possible. This way it's always with you when it occurs to you in the middle of a work meeting that you're out of orange juice. Organize your grocery list by section of the store you visit most often.

Try to buy ingredients rather than pre-processed foods. More grocery list and meal planning ideas in my upcoming articles.

A bit of debunking

And a few steps to get you started

These aren't unattainable goals. You can implement each of these today. Like, now. You probably know me personally and know it's working for me. None of this is rocket science, and none is time-consuming or expensive. You can fit any or all of these changes into your life. Like, today. And now that you're officially done reading about wellness (for the time being)...

JUST START.

**Unless by 'professional' you mean 'gets paid' in which case you might make the argument that I do get paid in beer sometimes and am therefore at least an unprofessional lifestyle coach.

Ask your answer-box

In this day and age, we don't need to speculate. You can retire the phrases "I wonder [if]..." and "do you know...."

Just ask your smart phone answer-box. I assure you there's an app for that.

Bing and Wikipedia, two of my favorite sites, provide me with more information than I can process. Wikipedia in particular is my favorite place to get lost. One article leads to another leads to another. Satisfies my curiosity. But use a little restraint. 

Answer Box Etiquette

• Don't use it during a meal you're sharing with others
• Do sneak a peek if your companion(s) step away for a moment

• Don't talk on it while walking the aisles at the Fitchburg Super Target
• Do download a free list-maker app and use that to keep track of what groceries and household items to buy (many app bloggers and I recommend NoteMasterLt for the iPhone) and do use the cute little pics from the Spell Number app to make your list unboring

• Don't use it while you're driving. Period.

What's in a Name: Embrace the Bhan

With my name spelled and pronounced the way it is, you have *no idea* -- I mean NO IDEA -- how many nicknames I've had over the years. When I was born, so the story goes, my 3- and 5-year old brother and sister couldn't pronounce my name so they called me Shebon. As a result, my family and closest friends have always called me Bon (now spelled Bhan). In middle and high school, I was Shibby or Sio. A friend accidentally called me Slobodan and I quickly put an end to tolerating nicknames that connect me with war criminals. There was also 'Swabahot,' which I liked for it's ethnic connotation. Update: In front of colleagues, one buddy called me Shabooty. And a college roommate just reminded me of Shivvers.

Once I got to college turned 21 I even had a 'bar name' which I gave up three years ago as part of a New Years resolution. Imagine the scene: a crowded, noisy bar on a Saturday night. I look hot and a guy tries to hit on me. 

"Hey, what's your name?" 

"Siobhan!" 

"WHAT?!" 

"SIOBHAN!" 

"WHAT?!?" 

"AMY. MY NAME IS AMY!" 

"Oh, Amy, nice to meet you. I'm {{a jackass}}." 

I used 'Amy' also for restaurant reservations, picking up my food order at Panera, etc. It only became complicated when I was out with my friend Amy. Luckily, however, she often went by 'Stephanie' and I call her La La. 

In my late 20s, it was clearly time to Embrace the Bhan. Now I go through the process of explaining the pronunciation -- and occasionally my entire heritage -- anytime I whip out a credit card, my drivers' license, or my first name in general. 100% of the time, people are courteous and even complimentary about my name.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks, parents. I love my name.

P.S. I updated the "Siobhan" Wikipedia page to include the phonetic spelling I used through fifth grade.

Welcome to my (work) neighborhood

In my past life, I used to drive to the airport most Monday afternoons. Often, especially in nice weather, I'd see folks from the surrounding office parks out for a lunchtime stroll. I'd think to myself, 'Bhan, that looks nice.' I'm here to assure you it is. 

Every day around noon I walk a 1.5-mile route through the neighborhood around my workplace. Usually a coworker accompanies me; sometimes I make calls to friends who don't work, figuring they might have time mid-day to chat. (Ahem... Regan. Call me back, bro!)

Along the way, I encounter interesting people, lovely sights, and one very special dog.

Meet Emma, whose parents graciously let her enjoy the fresh air from within their fenced yard. When she sees me approaching, Emma freaks out in her own understated way. I give her ears a scritch and coo at her for a moment before pressing on.

Farther down the block, I pass a home which is clearly under construction. Building permit posted on a front window, ladders strewn about, temporarily mismatched windows, and stretches of missing siding. Nothing out of the ordinary about that... till you realize the resident(s) is (are) living in a tree house on the back of the property.

The route I walk features tree-lined streets with impeccably cared-for single family homes. All summer, I shared the sidewalks with kids on bikes and carefully stepped around chalk hopscotch games.

This town takes good care of public spaces, right down to these large planters. 

Nice, right? Wrong. AWESOME. The lovely chartreuse heart-shaped leaves draping over the side of the container is actually a small cluster of sweet potato plants (link: edible ornamental sweet potatoes). Last autumn, I happened to be out for a stroll when the city maintenance guy was swapping out the summer plants for fall trimmings. He harvested the sweet potatoes and was kind enough to give 5 or 10 pounds to my coworker and me. I promptly sliced mine and made a potato pizza.

Happy Unniversary, Bhan!

One year ago today I quit a good job, despite the fact I didn't have a new one "in this economy." My job hadn't changed. I did.

My life as a project manager took me on the road much of the year, sometimes for extended stretches and even a couple times overseas. It was exciting for a while. 

Before putting in my notice, I spent a long time considering my options and ultimately decided it was my wellness or my job. They were mutually exclusive. 

the final straw

The year before quitting, I made the conscious decision to adopt a dog and learned that I loved being home with her more than anything else. Fortunately, I have amazing friends who took excellent care of Monkey when I traveled. Monkey got downright excited for her sleepovers! One Sunday, however, my friend came to pick up Monkey who immediately hopped in the car. As they were driving away, instead of looking with excitement down the road toward a fun-filled week with her buddies, Monkey looked back at me. That look broke my heart. I put in my notice the next day. Monkey learned in a couple months what it took me four years to learn: a life traveling for work is no life at all (for us).

since September 6, 2010

I immediately organized a retirement party. Got too drunk with friends and cut off all my hair. Visited with family who filled my heart and helped me rebuild my confidence. 

Spent all of every day looking for a new job and worrying about depleting my savings. Scheduled interviews. And two fast weeks later, landed the best job I could imagine.

I began blogging about food and taking loads of food pics...

... adopted Monkey's favorite (and only) sibling, a cat named George ...

...cleaned the hell out of my apartment, took up painting, read through my personal library, gave away all my fat clothes, contemplated dating, and started living my life.

Less of Me to Love

you may have noticed there's just less of me to love

(Sorry boys.) Since mid-June 2011, I've lost 18.8 implementer pounds, those gained while working a 75-hour-a-week job as a traveling monkey project manager. 

right now

I find the most success with adhering to the Atkins regimen (link: Mayo Clinic review) while using the My Fitness Pal website and accompanying iPhone app. Surprisingly, for me, Atkins doesn't mean eating burgers and bacon all day every day. Instead, I have 2 over-easy eggs for breakfast, a huge salad for lunch, and grilled veg and a protein for dinner. Not too different from any other healthy diet.

surprising side-effect

Maybe sometimes I might have had an occasional moment of acting short-tempered. Possibly. Now that I consume so few carbohydrates, I have zero mood swings. I have to believe there's a direct correlation. Lately, I border on sedated. Kinda boring, actually.

I do have a private target weight

This is superseded by my fitness goal, which is simply to be fit enough to run regularly this winter. In winters past (I mean waaay past) I would rack up 5-10 miles a night. Now, however, thanks to a few years of inactivity and overindulgence, my lungs need to acclimate to strenuous activity in these cool autumn temperatures or I risk some awful bouts with exercise-induced asthma. 

to achieve my goal

I've started wogging* (walk/jogging) every morning.** I can now wog farther than I could comfortably walk at the beginning of the summer. PROGRESS! The hills no longer intimidate me, but I am getting a little bored of my routes. ALSO PROGRESS! Time to map out a new route.

now, I'll be honest

Sometimes I get a little frustrated with how far I've come from the young, fit Siobhan. It pisses me off that I didn't start standing on scales when I was a healthy weight in college. Nip those first 5 extra in the bud. Take advantage of the hotel workout rooms while traveling for work. Maybe skip a few of those nights out downtown drinking -- and then over-eating -- with my friends. Avoid the snowball effect that brought me to that place.

the frustration doesn't last long

Someone wise once taught me a trick about stopping negative thoughts: consider your negative thoughts like search results for the term "Amazon." If you're looking for information about the river, you quite literally have to skip past the first page of results (which are all about Amazon.com). Acknowledge the negative thought(s) and then keep moving until you encounter a positive one. Latch onto that one. Act on that one. Remember that one. Next, next, next, DISCO! I remind myself that negative thoughts are unproductive at best, counterproductive or destructive at worst.

spend a LOT of time generally feeling good
In some small way I feel good about each of the little decisions I make about what I eat and how I feel when I exercise. Literally. Every little step is something to feel good about.

Um, the end.

*Not to be mistaken with swogging. More on that this winter.

**Extra bonus: an uber-happy border collie who loves running more than couch-napping

Don't tweet about my armpits

Something I noticed. The Twitter bird and the Dove bird are... eerily similar.

I'm probably done blogging about things like this... for a while.

Isn't that special?

Something my sister noticed.

“Now, who could it be? Could it be ... Satan?”

Oh the humanity!

Women only shave their legs because in the 1910s and '20s fashionable dress hemlines became shorter and an article or two -- published in persuasive women's magazines -- called leg hair "objectionable."  

Similar magazines today tell women we can lose weight by eating cookies.

 

Balderdash. On both accounts. 

If the picture above is horrifying, it's not because I don't shave my legs.

Sometimes Close Means REALLY Close

Nobody ever accused George of having a small, much less non-existent, personality. Lately, he only wants me to hold him. Screw food, toys, and sleeping alone. "Mommy, I need a snuggle." 

My question for you, then, is this: Can I buy your old Baby Bjorn?

Shoving him inside my sweatshirt turned out to be the only way to get stuff done around the house without accidentally kicking, stepping on, or shoving George. 

Jesus. Who does this?

P.S. Doesn't my eye makeup look nice? I know, right?!? More on that later.