Pet Peeves

We all have 'em (right...?) and I hope that putting my pet peeves down on paper will help me care less about them. Here are my top ten pet peeves.

10. The Precarious Pile

I haven't had a properly functioning dishwasher for five years. In that amount of time I've become quite adept at hand-washing my dishes and, truth be told, sometimes it's just a lot easier. I have only one of most things -- like my favorite chef's knife -- so if I need it twice in one evening it's gonna get hand-washed anyhow.

Monkey and George are probably not to be blamed for this, which leaves just me to be held responsible for the never-ending backlog of dishes.

That's me washing one day's worth of dishes in my house.

They're either piling up dirty next to the sink, or they're soaking in the sink ready for a scrubbing, or they're air-drying on the rack awaiting the journey back to a cabinet. Sometimes I don't have a chance to put away the clean-and-dry ones before stacking up the next sinkful of dishes on top. And, ergo, henceforth, enter the precarious pile. It never ends.

If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is hire someone else to do my dishes. (In the meantime, that's my favorite part about eating in a restaurant.)

9. Women who dress like sluts on Halloween

This could actually be my number one pet peeve, but since I can pretty easily avoid it and it only comes around once a year, at number nine it shall remain.

I just did a little online browsing and found that Halloween costume categories of "Career" (slutty nurse) and "Storybook" (slutty princess) have the same costumes as the "Sexy" category.

"Can I give you a sponge bath, Mr. Jones? Tee hee."

As one wise person said, if you're gonna dress like a slut for Halloween, then leave the maids/kitties/policewomen/vampires/bumblebees alone and just go as a prostitute. Or... and this is just a suggestion... dress like an actual zombie or something that requires a real costume.

8. Pants on the Ground

I'm actually taking action on this peeve, and it feels good. When I see guys waddling down the street, their waistband somewhere just above their knees, I scream out the car window, "I CAN SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Cher Horowitz said it best: "As if!"

According to some pantsologists, sagging is thought to be a person's rejection of societal norms. I offer you this: If there's a Wikipedia page for what you're doing, you're not NOT mainstream.

I always heard that this fashion statement initiated in prison where low-slung pants were an invitation to naked time. Guys who started doing this in the '90s aren't kids anymore. And they're paying for this fashion statement with their health. Sagging is linked to hip and knee pain, posture issues, and... ahem... other more personal problems.

7. LOL and WOOT

Though both have absolutely no meaning, they're widely used in many contexts except face-to-face interactions. Until now. Instead of laughing, I'm just going to hold this up:

This is way more energy-efficient than laughing out loud.

According to my empirical evidence, WOOT is used only by sorority girls. Which I'm not. While we're on the topic, let's stop using LMAO and HAHAHA!!1!

6. Hot Dog

Monkey only breathes on me when it's hot out. She waits till it's over 80 (that's considered hot here) to climb up as close as possible to my already-sweating face and pant up a doggy lung.

5.Sniffling

BLOW YOUR NOSE! Even worse is the people who suck snot and then cough it right back up. BARF! Now I not only have to listen to your runny nose, but have to tolerate the subsequent week-long cough. Thanks.

Here. I got you this.

At least when I was a teacher, I could not-so-subtly walk up to the offending ill child and drop a box of tissues on his or her desk. Can't really do that with grown-ups. 

4. People who drive at varying speeds

I use cruise control, so maybe I'm a little snobby about this, but pick a speed and stick with it. And preferably use the right lane unless actively passing someone.

3. "Dear ____" statements posted on Facebook or Twitter

The target of your post isn't your Facebook friend or Twitter follower, so why are you telling us this? May I suggest you get a blog? They're free.

Dear professor, airline, left knee... the list goes on. When and WHY did people start writing such formal letters in such informal media? Does this replace actual letter-writing? You know, the kind where you put pen to paper, express your thoughts, apply a stamp, and consider the issue closed? I might actually be onto something here....

2. Knuckle cracking

Oh my god I get hives just thinking about that sound. I especially, especially, hate it when people crack their little knuckles. Subjecting me to it dozens of times by several neighboring coworkers seems like borderline inhumane treatment. Every time it happens, I freeze up, cringe, cover my ears, walk away from my desk. Though I have really nice noise-cancelling ear buds, I simply can't wear them all day every day. Suffer I must.

1. Nail biting

The worst offenders are those who get so into their nail-biting zone that, despite being in a full conference room with company leadership, they have a hand twisted completely upside down with one or two fingers grinding away on their teeth. This is typically followed by wiping one's hands on a shirt or pant-leg before starting all over again. GROSS!

You don't look like this when you bite your nails. Trust me.

I know one guy personally who has bitten his nails all the way off. As in, he doesn't have fingernails anymore. I would like to point out that, though his case is admittedly pretty extreme, nail biting is an actual disorder. That probably makes me a bad person for discriminating against these people. Whatever. Freedom of speech.

This was surprisingly easy to put together. And I do feel better. Thanks.